Kittybomber’s Neighborhood

Here's a new poem I wrote constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for those who read it.

                                                       Unfortunate Events

I wish I could find someone like me.

A man who is honest and loyal, and is not down for beating around the bush

I need guy who is just straight to the point and doesn’t keep things from me.

I’ve been through too much with the idiots that cross my path not knowing how to appreciate a loving woman and just deceive me until it’s just too much.

I never thought I’d regret loving someone but right now that’s all I can feel.

I never saw it coming the one I gave all of myself to would deceive me in such a way.

Never having the guts to even admit it and tell me that my love means nothing and that someone else is worth my pain.

I no longer matter what a typical story the girl gives herself up does everything she can to make it work because her love is so strong for the stupid male to just leave for some other chick.

Oh wait not a chick a full grown chicken with little chicks.

I don’t get it why would she even think he’d be loyal to her if he wasn’t loyal to me. Oh how stupid is she.

It makes me wonder if I should have any hope in him and his future.

How do you maintain hope in someone that hurt you, but you know they have so much potential and letting it all go to waste by making stupid mistakes that do nothing, but ruin his future.

I wish I could get through to him and get him to realize that going from woman to woman isn’t what life’s all about.

You find the meaning of life through living it and getting to where you know you need to be not looking around trying to find some new pussy.

Excuse my language but let’s be real this terminology is real and is used everyday and that’s basically what a woman is seen as now a days.

It’s become part of this country and we as woman know it best because some use it as a weapon.

I just wish I could make him understand that putting life off to find something that’s suppose to happen on it’s own is just reckless.

Unfortunately, I don’t even know why I bother thinking of such things if I know something like that is only learned through experience but I wish my words would trigger something in his brain.

Move on with your life man do something with it don’t waste it away focusing on something that is not definite.

Not even family is guaranteed so might as well make a name for yourself and do something that can not be taken away educate yourself man get on your way.

Why must I care so dearly for someone who hurt me so deeply?

I fail to understand it all I can think is that once I care for someone that deeply it’s hard to tear them out of my heart.

I still don’t know whether it’s a curse or a blessing, but I do know I need to get my life on the track it needs to be I live on for me and only me.

That’s the way it is and that’s how it’s going to continue to be. Hopefully you’ll learn that same lesson with me.

See you in the future and maybe it’ll be as well off as I know my future will be. I don’t want to see you and feel forced to say I told you so. I’d rather feel forced to say I knew you could!

Anxiety runs through my body like blood flows through your veins.

A love that seems never ending tortures me through each day.

Tender memories branded into my brain as an invasion of my mind and total control of my heart.

I find myself crossing paths of those who are not meant to be on my side of the road as an eager attempt to find a clever thief sly enough to steal my heart once again.

Only to find a clever skunk merely looking to spread his scent on me.

I have come across experiences that have tainted my belief in true love; because most would rather give in to lust and the infatuation with a certain sensation.

Situations and days continue to change, but this love continuously has remained the same.

I was observant enough to know all your flaws, your fear, and your dreams. I love, accept and respect every one of them as if they were my own, but this love continues to flow through me alone.

In despair I wander off turning to the arts to redirect the unanswered passion that roams through ever inch of my body trying to escape and form something beautiful.

Though at times I resent you; others I feel I should thank you because if it was not for you my phrases would not mean as much and I would not realize that there is true beauty found through pain.

For it is only through pain that you come to realize how amazing and beautiful love truly is.

We take it for granted not acknowledging that a love like this will not come around again because no love can be duplicated just like no heart can be manipulated.

I thank you once more because if it wasn’t for this heartache I would not have found such wisdom and this passion hidden in the form of expression others refer to as merely Art. Such a simple word describes the many things that make this life so much more than it appears to be. Art I truly love thee, but just a bit less than my first and remaining love. For it is he who has shown me that these lines I write mean much more not only to me but those who are wise enough to read between these lines and feel each and ever word touch their heart. Leaving a mark that will remain until they feel that pain the one we all know as….Heartache.

A poem I wrote when I was extremely angry at a particular friend....

I’m filled with frustration caused by those who continue to believe they know everything there is to know about life. Who are those people to judge anyone else based on how they react to certain situations. You are not the person dealing with these situations so who are you to say how they should be dealt with.  No not everyone is coming to you for advice just because you ask what’s wrong and we tell you doesn’t mean we need you’re advice its common courtesy to answer a question when being asked.  I hate those who give themselves more credit than they actually deserve you’re not a God sent here to help everyone and not every time is someone seeking your help. Simply because someone tells you how they’re feeling doesn’t mean we need your help if you ask how a person is doing you expect an honest answer now, don’t you? So just because we’re having a crappy day doesn’t mean we need you to fix it. Just because someone needs to talk about something to get it off their chest doesn’t mean we need your advice or need you to tell us what to do. Realizing your problems and acknowledging them isn’t being negative. You think you know it all and it’s freaking annoying to see yourself boast and act like you’re always needed it’s frankly irritating to no end. I’m not saying you’re never needed but acting like you always fix everything is just stupid because you don’t; not everyone needs you.

I've been thinking a lot about my habits and how I tend to call people more often now. It's weird because before I wouldn't call people as much and I guess because of that I'm starting to feel like I bug people too much. I don't really know if I do or if people take it as me trying to be a good friend which is what I'm trying to do. I've lost friends and I don't want it to happen again, but what if I'm going overboard because I am trying to preserve the friendships I do have? hmm or maybe once again I'm doing what I always tend to do which is over think it all. I have a theory on why I do this though whenever something starts to bug me I start to over think it all. Part of me is stressing over finals and my presentation for Chicano Latino Studies it's a group presentation but still I want to be well prepared. The thing is that even though I want to be well prepared and all of that I can't get myself to do what I need to do because I don't want to be home. I think I need to have some fun let out all the stress and then get to what I really need to do. The thing is I'm back to my whole me thinking I'm bothering people so I don't even want to ask anyone to hang out! I'm such a weirdo sometimes and I think that tends to get me in situations I could avoid. I honestly think sometimes I should just walk somewhere alone with my own thoughts that tends to calm me down. At times I get the urge to just walk alone at night and just breath in the night air but I know if I actually did that my mom would freak out and well my neighborhood isn't that great.
    I was thinking about what I should do for my birthday. I have some ideas that would take up the whole day. First I thought my friends and I could go watch Hostile 2 at the first showing. Then have somewhat of a mini party/bbq at the park. Then later on that night have a bon fire and invite a bunch of people. how does that sound? I have do have an overall great day and what's better than having all your friends with you. I think the bon fire will be the best because if we do have one I could invite so many different people that it will be interesting to just interact with all kinds of people. I would consider myself diverse considering I have all kinds of friends. I could even invite people from La Raza (a student organization)they're all pretty cool.To be honest right now the only day I look forward to is my birthday. I don't have the funds to go on a vacation which I would love to go on. At the moment I'm stuck and I feel like I only have control over my birthday and making the best of it. I'm open to suggestions too. If anyone has any good ideas for my birthday I would love to know! So yeah I'll stop rambling now and go get some breakfast/lunch lol. laters all.

<3 D. Rose <3

Here's a poem I wrote a few days ago for those who don't have a myspace...hope you like it...I really would like everyone's honest opinion on it....here it is:

You're a fake. A plastic doll of sorts. Pretending to be what you are not. Living in your idealistic thoughts forgetting to face reality because your reality is what haunts you. It will forever be simple to mirror yourself after a being that everyone can love. A supposed perfection you can portray because the art of acting is your gift; so wonderful at what you do that you have the ability to fool yourself. There is doubt that there is a true identity to who you are; you take on everyone else's roles so well that finding yourself is a never ending task. You speak in a way that every word is music to one's ears even yours, but the actions never come. They remain simply words because all that remains of you are empty words. These promises you have made to yourself and others are a mere illusion to save you time before it all begins to collapse. Your act is so well built that it will not be a sudden fall more like a domino affect where one by one they fall until the very last one ends it all. This pattern will continue it's a never ending cycle. The most devastating part of it all is that you will never realize the problem is the play you act in deceiving many failing to accept your reality. How naive you will remain until you acknowledge the error of your ways. An idealistic view for a child is inevitable but for those who consider themselves grown is a one way street to disappointment.

For those of you who don't have Myspace I wrote this on my myspace blog I wanted to know what the Vox people think of my writing I think it has changed a lot....I'll try to find an example if my writing prior to this...

I feel like expessing myself in an artistic way yet I feel so out of place on this computer...but let's give it a try:

    A walk through life...learning lessons that sting realizing that someday this will all mean something...lessons learned through every burn compelling me to wage war after every battle earned. I sacrfice myself so that others may learn these lessons I myself try to teach through the existence in that beings' life. For some I may only be a professor elaborating on the errors and sometimes victories of my ways. I am far from a perfect being, but I strive for that perfection. It shall always be a perfection that may not satisfy others, but a perfection that I feel comfortable with. I seek my own satisfaction not in the sense of indulgence but in the sense of roaming this earth with the knowledge that I have fulfilled my own vision of the human being I want to be. I yearn for the day that I can truly say I have done what I can to make this world a Utopia for those who came after us. I know this is a dream that may only be achieved through the change of an entire world, but we can begin this journey now and teach our children to follow our paths. So that maybe one wonderful day our descendants may enjoy the fruits of our labor. Yes this may seem like a dream now, dreams may come true but we have to take action now so that some day these seemingly unobtainable dreams may become a reality.

Here's a poem written last month for comparison:

Love something I may never truly understand...I know I've felt it and I know I still do and I know  I can't change it, but neither do I want to. I just can't understand why it's so complicated. People are just too complex and make everything a mess. Questioning it all instead of just allowing yourself to feel and endure the love from within. Just be true to your heart and stop letting the fears and insecurities take over you. An overactive mind can destroy anything that may not need analyzing. Communication is  key and honesty can set you free. Being true to yourself is the way to live instead of trying to change the things that should be. I for one believe our feelings our gutt feelings are far more correct than our own analysis of this love. Things don't always make sense, but if something you're doing doesn't feel right then why pursue it and contiue to try and make it work. I feel like love is the only thing that's worth it in this world, but people make it feel so wrong. So don't go around trying to make someone allow themselves to give into the love if they'll never understand what it truly means until they allow themselves to get lost in it. You can't be logical with love because love isn't meant to be analyzed.

Often times I wonder what the point of it all is...I have yet to find an answer all I can think of is that we're meant to live this life learn, hurt and be happy. All this so that maybe one day we'll serve for a better purpose. A purpose that is yet to slap me in the face but I know one day someone will need me just as I may need them and these feelings and confusion won't be fueled.  Part of me wants to be an idealist because maybe it's easier living that way but part of wants to be pessimistic but unfortunately what runs through me the most is being realistic. Realizing that not every one is like me not every one is as dedicated and loyal as I am. I always want to see the good in people sometimes I think I see more good in them then they actually see and sometimes I see more than is actually there.
    I have been disappointed too much to do that anymore I am realistic that is my nature and I have to listen to it. I find myself not listening to the things I know are for certain just because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes even though I know that person doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt I still give it to them. That's probably why these people disappoint me I guess I just expect too much. Sometimes I wonder why people have such a hard time communicating I try to talk to people and make things clear but if they don't do the same for me that leaves us in the same situation. It bothers the hell out of me when people avoid things they can't even face them. To me it's like if this conversation isn't going to kill you then why can't you talk damn it? Why can't people just be real? Spare me the whole I don't want to hurt your feelings. If you did something or you feel some other way then just tell me don't beat around the bush.
    At times I start to feel like I might go crazy one day with some of the people out there. It's just sad that there are very few people who can actually be real with others and as well as with themselves. It's sad how some people even try to lie to themselves to avoid feeling certain things. I'm through with people like that it may sound fucked up but those kinds of people just fuck with your head. I have been thinking a lot and probably more than I need to but that's just the way I process things. Sometimes I wish I could stay out of my own head because I go over things so much I start to feel guilty for things I didn't even do. Which is why I chose to write it, helps me keep my mind straight.
   
( a long time later)

It's funny because I wrote this before even speaking to Kittybomber and a lot of the things I wrote and what she told me prove her right that this dude sucks up all of my energy. He's a vampire of sorts. Now that I think about it I am the perfect prey for these types of vampires. I care too much I listen and I take shit hoping for things to get better but I didn't know then that things would only get worse. I didn't realize that in the long run I was just being used. I don't know if all he did was intentional if things just took a wrong turn and we both didn't know how to handle it. I just know that this whole thing messed me up somewhat I don't feel the same because I'm not the same. I know that for sure. I may not be better for a while but in the long run I will be a better person. I'll know how to deal with certain situations a little better than I may have in the past. I've also realized that  every time I write in here it starts to feel like I'm writing an essay with a conclusion or a moral to a story lol maybe subconsciously all that stuff they teach you in school comes out in your writing even if you don't realize it right away. It may also have to do with the fact that I try to find a bright side or a moral out of everything that happens to me or just random things I tend to observe.*sigh* Life is strange but I wouldn't want it any other way because then it wouldn't be interesting at all...

I guess as days go by I realize how many people in my life really are selfish bastards. I was suppose to hang out with my friend today.  he doesn't even answer my calls or call me back I finally get a hold of him and all he says is "oh I didn't have my phone with me" well you have it now wtf? couldn't call. I fail to figure out why I still give people the benefit of the doubt. At this time in the world there's very few people who even deserve the benefit of the doubt. I got my stuff from the ex thanks to Kittybomber. As I suspected he came out with his phone in his hand like the avoidant little prick that he is. Not even a cell phone his freakin house phone who the fuck even does that? Normal people would hang up the house phone and call the person back instead of being ghetto and rude to me. Acting all happy and shit fuck you karma will get at you and I hope I get to witness it. One day he'll get all the things he did to me back. When that happens all I want is for him to realize that all that shit is happening because of all the shit he did to me. I know that probably won't happen because people tend to set aside all the bad things they do and pretend it wasn't them. Whatever I just feel blah not in the sense that I'm sad I just feel numb. You know like when you get a beating and you've been hit so many times it just starts to numb. yeah I've taken a pretty good beating in 2 weeks. My wounds will heal eventually but I know this state of being numb will continue for a good while until something makes me feel and reminds me that there are beautiful things in this world. I just have to be careful, careful not to be fooled by the mirage that confused me this last time. I want someone real someone straight up. I hate those who beat around the bush there's no point in that, fuck that shit. The truth always comes out, so why hide it at all? why do people avoid saying certain things if all it's doing is torturing you until you finally have the guts to say it. I guess that's why certain people can't stand me. I'm too blunt for some people to stand. It's not like I'm blunt in a hurtful way but if you're doing shit that's affecting me then yeah I'm gonna tell you about it and if you don't want to confront it I will make you confront it. I'm fed up with avoidant people can't handle facing things that may hurt but need to be dealt with. Why put these things off any longer and make things even worse. It may sound like I'm full of hate but I'm not it's just disappointment. I'm so disappointed. I don't want it to hurt but I must admit it does. That's just part of life even though I hate it that's what it is the fucked up part of life. I just have to walk away and learn from this. I've learned just because you think you see something good in someone doesn't mean it's really there. Maybe you just wanted to see something good so badly you forced yourself to see it. I'm done ranting for tonight. good night all.